I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
