i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
