After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
