i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
