Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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