I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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