There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
