Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
