Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
