I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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