I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
