did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
