Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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