its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
