mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
