Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
