Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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