she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Be still, my beating vagina.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
