I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
