My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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