i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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