is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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