My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
