I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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