I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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