People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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