my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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