I think I just saw someone hide a body.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
