my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
