I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
