not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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