How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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