when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Drunk is a universal language darling
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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