At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
