I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
