There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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