saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
