apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
