Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
