No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
