Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
false alarm, still single
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