Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
