I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
