I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
