I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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