"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
