i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
