There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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