gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
