I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
