I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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